Those closest to me will tell you that I have three great loves in life: Ray Winstone, Gingers and Food. My Facebook albums are littered with snapshots of grub too good to be forgotten, my bank statements reveal that a third of my wages have been pilfered by somebody called Nandos and my Twitter feed confirms a rather unhealthy obsession I seem to have developed with MEATLiquor. I know what you're thinking. Yes, I probably should be the size of a small country. And no, having a pizza is not the same as having a partner. It does come a close second though. And here's for why...
Food is always there in times of crisis. Lost your job? Broken up with your fella? Accidentally shaved off half an eyebrow? A hug won't fill that gaping hole of emptiness inside. But a prime beef burger loaded with pickles and cheese will. I shit you not when I caught my ex banging another girl in our bed I headed straight to Mickey D's for a Big Mac meal. Large obvs. There's no shame in eating your feelings people.
Food 'gets you'. Typically a bloke will prefer to spend quality time with FIFA or down the pub with his pals of a Tuesday. But that giant slab of chocolate chip brownie in the fridge wouldn't. Oh no. It would rather chill with you on the sofa, watch Eastenders and hear all about how that bitch Jenny in finance ruined your day. It won't whinge at you to change the channel or roll it's eyes when you get weepy over Kat leaving Alfie, again. Instead it'll just be there. Lovingly kissing better your irritation over the days events with each and every bite. Swoon.
Finally, Food will satisfy you. Whether a large main or a modest aperitif, the right dish is guaranteed to leave you feeling breathless, content and gagging for more. We all know that moment don't we. When you walk past a Subway and something catches your eye. A hot, thick, footlong behind the counter. Hearty Italian, just how you like them. You eye up the options, flirt with the idea of additional fillings. You know you shouldn't really be doing this. They're no good for you. You gave up these bad boys a long time ago. But no matter how hard you try the desire is just too strong. You want it inside you and you want it now. Please take heed though folks, a little of what you fancy does you good but a lot usually results in a food baby.
So there you have it. The reasons why I choose biscuits over boys this Valentine's Day. You won't find me teary eyed, reaching for the bottle-o-voddie and a ex-boyfs number. Nope. Instead I'll be lighting some candles, putting on some Bazza White and reaching for the take-away menu. Perfection.